Dear Sexes: My wife has bought up the idea of having her single girlfriend — who has been her closest friend for 20 years — join us in the bedroom. I’m a bit hesitant as I am not sure what her motives are? Her girlfriend is very sexy and I like her a lot — I just think it brings up too many issues that will be hard to work out. Can 3 people just have great sex and not let it overtake the relationship?
She Said: As fun as threesomes sound (and sometimes are), you need to ask yourself some important questions first, such as: Will I be okay with the image of another person touching or kissing my wife? How about making her orgasm? Will my wife be okay with the same images of me? Will I be cool with my wife hanging out with her best friend alone, without me, in the future as she has always done?
Most importantly, ask yourself (and her) if she is doing this just to please YOU. This could easily lead you guys down the road to resentment, where she wakes at 2 a.m. thinking of her best friend on her knees in front of the guy she loves.
If you talk this through in earnest and you decide to go forward with it, I want to offer some specific guidelines. These are sort of the tried-and-true secret rules of bringing someone into your monogamous bed. First, establish with this woman that your wife is your priority, her pleasure and comfort come first. The friend is there to serve you both sexually. Your thoughts and attention need to be on what will give your wife the most pleasure, and your wife should be thinking the same about you. Ask your wife (before you start) what things would give her the most pleasure. Ask her what things she doesn’t want to do. Tell her your ideas and restrictions.
Second, never leave your wife out of any activity. Your hands or mouth should be on her no matter what is happening with the other girl. You should be connecting with your wife, emotionally, even if the other girl is the one making you (or her) come.
I know it seems like threesomes should be spontaneous and not too thought-out, but when we’re talking about a marriage, we’re talking about a lifetime. All three of you have to be able to respect one another until you’re 100 years old. The only way to be sure one person doesn’t feel used is to be really clear, up front. If your wife doesn’t want to discuss these things, then your relationship is probably not in a place that can handle a wrench of this magnitude thrown into the works.
One last thought. You may want to explore with your wife her feelings of attraction toward women; is it a specific woman, her best friend, or the idea of lesbian sex? She may be defensive, but if you approach her with love and are very clear about the fact that you just want to help her get all of her sexual needs met, she’ll probably be more open. I know it is contrary to what our society thinks, but just because a woman fantasizes about lesbian sex doesn’t necessarily make her a lesbian, and it certainly doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you or desire you.
She may admit that she’s aroused more abstractly by the idea of a girl going down on her, than on actually having that happen. If that’s the case, try watching some high-quality girl-on-girl pornography and see where that leads you, together. Try Erika Lust’s films, which are pornography made for women, by women, where women are the subjects and not the objects. She may like to watch the screen while you give her oral and that may satisfy her curiosity. Remember, this is a marriage and you both need to put that commitment first. Secrets, whether about sex or money or anything else, are toxic to commitment.
He Said: A threesome?! Gimme a high-five! This is every guy’s fantasy. That is, of course, if you believe guy-talk. Unfortunately, you can’t put much stock in that sort of stuff. When straight guys talk about sex to other straight guys, seventy percent of their conversation is made up of lies. So… you shouldn’t feel pressured by the false pretense that every guy is supposed to live for orgies. And you also shouldn’t feel pressured by your wife. Some guys just don’t like sharing. And most guys are notoriously poor multi-taskers, so good luck with that!
If you decide to proceed with this thing, because YOU want to, then go for it! Just know that you’re entering dangerous territory. While it’s possible the three of you could have the best night of your life, it’s also possible, one, two, or three of you could be unhappy with the way the interaction plays out.
I know planning might ruin the moment, but I would suggest each of you make a list of expectations for the event, and read them to each other, making sure you’re on the same page, before proceeding. If you’re reading from totally different books, I suggest having a stranger be the third person to join the party, instead of your wife’s best friend. The sexy friend might be hot and nice and comfortable, but she may also complicate things more, because you all know each other so well. Regardless of your path of choice here - protect yourself!