Dear Sexes: I always told my husband that my ideal future would be to have a husband and a wife - a threesome relationship. Long story short, we met a girl, one thing lead to another, and it happened. It’s been a month now, and I don’t feel right. I thought to find a new friend, but it seems that he found a new friend. They’ve connected in a way that me and her didn’t, and now I am jealous. He promises that he respects me, and that nothing happens when I’m not around. She calls him and not me. What should I do? 

She Said: While my gut tells me that a situation like this is nearly impossible to make work, I don’t want to discount the success other families have had in incorporating others into the bedroom, or maybe into their day-to-day life. I wish I knew more on the subject! But since I don’t, I’ve decided to do a She Said He Said first and reach out to a friend and colleague of ours who knows a lot about non-monogamous lifestyles and love. Hopefully she can add some really helpful insight!

Julie Said:  I have a lot of questions for you! How much research and reading did you and your husband do prior to engaging in this new relationship? How many detailed conversations did the two of you have when you were discussing ideal relationships? Was there processing work done prior to meeting this third person? When you met her, were there lengthy conversations with her about her needs and desires in being part of a poly triad? Was she experienced with poly relationships or was this her first experience with something so complex?

It’s hard to answer your question without the answers to this question, but I’m going to make an assumption that this was an idealistic dream and there wasn’t much prep work going into it, and that the third person really knew what she was getting into. As someone who is focused on human sexuality and promotes healthy open communication around sexuality and relationships, polyamory is of great interest to me.

While it’s not a form for everyone, and is hard work to learn how to do well, polyamory can be an immensely rewarding form of relationship. This is simply my opinion from knowing successful poly couples, it is not something that can be done well, without a lot of preparation. Even then, people are complex creatures and moving from the complexity of two contact bonds (Him and you) to the multi-layered complexity of what, four bonds (you and him, him and her, you and her and the three of you together)…well that’s a lot of relationships to manage. And frankly, it’s very hard to find a third person that connects equally with both parties all the time and forever. Just think about how friendships work!

First things first: The two of you (you and your husband) need to sit down and have a brutally honest conversation about what you want out of polyamory and out of your own long term marriage. You need to both be very clear about your desires. If he has a sexual interest in her, I hope he is honest with you about it. If you have a threesome relationship, define that. Ask lots of questions:

• Only sex and emotional connection between the three of you? 
• Can you and your husband be intimate without her?
• Can you and she be intimate without him?
• Can he and her? How will you handle time, home sharing, responsibilities, financials? You need to talk about what jealousy means in the context of your relationship and for you.
• Is the jealousy sexual? Is it that you are not getting what you wanted out of the situation?
• Are you resentful that he is?
• What would happen if the tables were reversed and he was jealous?
• How out will you be in a country that is not entirely friendly to alternative arrangements?
• If you have or want children, how much will you share with them and at what point?

Once you discuss all this, then you need to have a conversation with her about what it is she wants. If she wants sex/intimacy with him and not you, you all will need to determine if you are willing to move forward with that. While you are doing all of that work, I’d suggest finding a poly friendly counselor in your area and doing some counseling work on what integrating a third person into your relationship will mean for you, him and her. I’d also google poly groups in your area-these are casual fun groups of people who all identify as poly and can give guidance and support.

Finally, get some books and start reading: The Ethical Slut (Dossie Easton and Catherine Lizst), Opening Up (Tristan Taormino), www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html, www.polyamoryonline.com, www.polyamory.com and listening to podcasts like PolyWeekly.com. Realize that finding one partner is hard, finding another one (someone poly interested, mature, willing to share, etc) is harder. It isn’t all fun and games and a third person is not a romantic toy. I cannot emphasize that enough. The third person is a human being with desires and needs of their own and deserve equal rights in the relationship to feel the love they feel for whoever it is they feel it for.

Just like traditional marriage, a long term poly triad will take open communication, a willingness to feel and work through difficult emotions, an ability to self regulate emotions, time management, and a realization that all members of the triad are free individuals who may have varying feelings about the state of the relationship at given points.  Because it’s more complex due to more people, it may take even more of the qualities listed above to do in a way that is mutually respectful of all parties.

He Said:The grass is always greener in a threesome’s pants. But no pants and no grass are perfect. So… your ideal future involves a threesome relationship? There’s nothing wrong with that, (or threesomes in general), but you’re only a month into this threesome and there’s already a bevy of issues to resolve.

I recommended finding a new partner for you and your husband. One who you both connect with (a bit more evenly). Your husband should be concerned with your happiness so, whatever it takes…

The next thing you need to do is to communicate. I mean, really communicate! If a good, monogamous relationship requires a ton of open and honest communication, a threesome requires even more of this type of discussion. Everyone involved needs to discuss their concerns, worries, dreams, and visions for what this love triangle is supposed to look like. 

And remember, three is an odd number. Things will either be unanimous or uneven, with a greater chance of things being uneven. If you can make it work, all the power to you. Enjoy the bounty! If not, you might want to rethink your ideas about threesomes being your ideal future.  

Dear Sexes: I recently broke up with a woman who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and now am regretting my decision. Our time together was the happiest and most fulfilling time of my life. I know she felt the same way. I needed to take time to address some major needs through therapy and time alone, and she initially understood. But now she feels abandoned. It’s been four months since the breakup, and though we both feel very strongly about each other other, she’s scared to try again. Thoughts? 

She Said: The best thing you could’ve done is worked on yourself to make yourself stronger. If you needed to do that alone, it’s good that you knew that and addressed it. You can’t regret healing and growth, and as long as you were honest with her, she should still trust you that you have both of your futures in mind when figuring out the best way to be happy and healthy.

It sounds like maybe she has a piece of work to do herself with a therapist, perhaps regarding trust and definitely regarding abandonment. You have to know that if you’re going to be committed to one another for a long time, that you’ll each give the other the space to grow and become stronger. 

Nobody’s ever going to spend a lifetime together without some bumps, without some hiccups. It can’t always be a perfect straight arrow to the finish line. If she’s looking for perfection and anything else feels like abandonment, you’re going to encounter problems over and over.

Encourage her to do that bit of work, and be honest, trustworthy and a good friend in the meantime. Hopefully the two of you will get to a place where you’re both more healthy and ready to move forward together.

He Said: Love is often all in the timing. Even the right love, at the wrong time can fail (or not work out). It’s good that you took time to work on yourself, and it’s great that your girlfriend was understanding of your need to be alone.  But now, you have to consider what your ex wants. If she’s scared to try again, you’ll just have to be patient. Work on building a new trust as friends. Perhaps in time, her desire to be with you will win out (over her fear of repeating history), and you two can start anew (romantically).  

If that sounds too difficult to handle, you can try jumping back in to your relationship together (right now). You can support each other, and fight your fears as a unit. Unfortunately, this option probably isn’t the wisest choice (though it sure is romantic and tempting). They’re cliches, but time heals all wounds, and distance makes the heart grow fonder. Translation: step back and wait. If your love is strong enough, the two of you will find your way back to each other. 

Dear Sexes: I’m male and my female best friend and I have just worked out that the only reason why relationships have not been working out for her is because she’s only interested in the interest guys show for her, but not for the guys per se. It’s sort of like an exercise in ego-inflation for her. Her motivation it seems, in seeking out a budding relationship is so as to inflate her ego further, and as soon as she sees their imperfections, she shuns them away.  She knows it’s selfish, but how do I help her?  

She Said: First, it’s excellent that she sees what she’s doing. But not until she gets to the root of her issues and actually solves the problem will she stop doing it. 

This is a fear of intimacy issue. For whatever reason, she’s afraid of being truly loved and of getting hurt. It’s not that these guys actually have anything wrong with them more than anyone else, it’s that she doesn’t truly want to love someone.

She needs to see a therapist and figure this out. As awesome as it is the you want to help her, you’re just not equipped to be the one to suss out where it comes from. What you can do, as her friend, is be there to listen as she grows through this problem. She’s going to need an honest sounding board that has her best interests in mind… You do have her best interests in mind, right? You aren’t trying to be “the one” she actually falls in love with, are you?

Because she’s not ready to fall in love. No matter how amazing you are. She’s got a bit of work to do.

Know, however, that this behavior isn’t going to change overnight. It’s not your job to help her, or to hear her complain over and over again about the same problems if she isn’t doing the work. This will just become a drain to you and prevent you from finding the woman (or man) of your dreams if you’re looking for one. Or, if you’re in a relationship, sometimes these types of friends can suck the energy you have for intimacy away, and you’re primary relationship is left high and dry.

Another thing to check into is Love Addicts Anonymous. If she can’t afford therapy, she can find meetings of love/sex addicts anonymous and attend for free.

He Said: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I promise… your girl friend’s relationships are failing for a variety of reasons. She’s human, right? Regardless of how amazing your friend may be, she has flaws, and some of those character traits MAY have something to do with her failed relationships. Timing, chance, and chemistry also play role in the dating game. Your friend isn’t in charge of those things is she?    

If you want to help your friend out, tell her to start focusing more on herself, and have her worry less about finding the perfect human to date. And if you want to give her some tough love, remind her that selfishness, game-playing, and narcissism aren’t the most endearing qualities. To be blunt, your friend sounds terrified of love. Do you see pushing others away (we know she seeks out their imperfections) before she can be abandoned, let-down, hurt, etc…? She may be sabotaging her own chances at a successful relationship.  You want to help her out?  Be honest with her, and urge her to start being honest with herself.    

Dear Sexes: I’m a bloke, and engaged to a bloke who’s about eight inches closer to the clouds. I’m average height, but he is tall. Recently we met his parents for a few drinks, and his father made a comment that I “wasn’t as girly” as he expected. What does that mean? Is it some kind of compliment?

I realize there isn’t necessarily a “feminine” half of a gay relationship, and that most people hopefully don’t see it that way. This extends to the bedroom; neither of us is exclusively the top/dominant partner. Not everyone knows that, naturally. Will I always be categorized as the bottom/feminine half, despite being considerably fitter/more muscular than my partner? And do you think height plays that big of a role in people’s preconceptions? 

P.S. - My partner isn’t to blame for anything; he didn’t decide to struggle to find giraffe-jeans. 

She Said: Why would it seem okay to say to someone, “You aren’t as girly as I expected”? But, you know, people are weird and awkward. They say stupid shit, and the older generations who just haven’t had a lot of experience with same-sex couples are going to be even worse.

I’m not saying your future father-in-law is innocent in this crazy stereotyping-turretts, but society has been throwing the image of the big burly man with his girlie man-wife around for as long as we’ve been talking about homosexuality. In truth, I don’t really know any long-term same-sex couples where a huge polarity was the case. Sure, there are often tops and bottoms in any relationship, het or non-het, but the super burly butch guy and the teeny tiny queeny husband? Pretty rare in my experiences. We generally are attracted to people who are like us, and same-sex couples aren’t an exception. 

For your father-in-law, it may be that assuming you were “the wife” in the marriage is a way for him to continue a narrative in his mind about how he thought his son’s life would look. His son would marry a woman, and if not a woman, a girly man. It’s not right, but it’s probably the way he frames the world. But by going through life with his son and son-in-law being exactly how you two are, his frame will expand and grow and change. 

And sure, you may go through the world with people thinking you’re a bottom because you’re the shorter partner, but try to keep in mind that by being proud of who you are and who you love, you’re educating everyone around you as to the massive diversity that exists in the world of LGBTQ couples. 

He Said: Was Dad drunk when he started saying you weren’t as girly as he expected? Hopefully, this wasn’t part of the equation, but it could partly explain his strange/lame comment (you mentioned drinks were had). But that probably wasn’t the case. To answer your question bluntly, yes, height does play a big role in (many) people’s preconceptions. It also plays a role in their MISconceptions. People are like dogs in a way - they’re both smarter than we think, and also much dumber than we think, depending on the moment. As silly as it may seem, people really do (often) equate height to strength, and strength to power. So, there will be plenty of people who judge you to be the “bottom/feminine” half based on the height discrepancy between you and your boyfriend. 

You just have to remind yourself that those people aren’t you or your fiance. They don’t really know what your relationship dynamic is.  And they don’t know what happens in private, behind closed doors, or even in the bedroom. You know how you and your boyfriend operate, and if you’re happy with each other, that’s all that really matters. 

If it bothers you that much, you should speak to your boyfriend (about his father’s comments). He might have some insight on how to proceed. And if comments like that become a pattern, then maybe you’ll consider calling out the old man, and ask him what he means. For now, just let it roll off your back. You’re shorter than your boyfriend the giraffe, so things should roll of your back easily, right?!?

Dear Sexes: There is this girl I’ve met locally, and she just so happens to be an independant singer-songwriter. I met and talked with her on three separate occasions over this past year. We’ve gotten to generally know a lot of each other, and we have similar interests and things in common. We’re both young (20’s), she’s about 2.5 years older. Of course, I am a fan of her work, but I’m interested in dating her and possibly forming a relationship - not because she’s in the limelight, but for what I like about her, herself. I don’t know what she thinks of me; if she’s also interested, or if I’m just one fan out of the thousand that she’s being nice to. So, am I an obsessed fan that’s over my head, or is it really possible for it to happen? How should I go about it? 

She Said: I hate to sound trite, but the only way to know if she likes you is to ask her out. What’s the worst that can happen? She says no. That sucks for a little bit, but you get over it.

Here’s how you do it: If you know she’s going to be in town, you say, “Hey when you’re in town do you want to grab lunch or dinner at some point?” It’s that easy. If she says yes, have a plan. Tell her you’d love to take her to such-and-such, but be open if she is up for something different.

As far as asking anyone out, don’t do it in public. Ask once, and if she says no, then don’t ask again for 6 months. At least. 

As far as someone who’s in the limelight? You can talk about her career but don’t talk about it more than you would any other woman. Pull it together, talk about other stuff. And talk about yourself a normal amount. She doesn’t want to feel like she’s giving an interview.

Last, when you introduce her to your friends, call her by her first name only, as you would anyone else. If you say, “Hey guys, this is my date, Britney Spears,” that’ll embarrass everyone. Just Britney will do (just kidding, Brit!).

And don’t stalk. But this goes for every woman. And every guy for that matter. If someone says “no”, then make sure you give your number to him or her and know that they’ll call if they change their mind. 

Good luck. If you really like her for her, she will know you’re not just a groupie.

He Said: When I say “group”, you say “eee”. Groupie, groupie, groupie, groupie!!! Sorry. Stream of consciousness writing can be dangerous. Let’s get down to business. How big a star are we talking here? Is this woman an international superstar, or is she more the loyal, cult following type of musician? If she’s the former, it’s going to be difficult to get into her circle of friends, much less her pants. Will her bodyguards be going on your first date? If she’s the latter, your chances are better, at actually getting to know her. Are the times you’ve talked, when you went to see her perform?

I recommend you just cut to the chase and ask her out for coffee, drinks, dinner,etc… sooner rather than later. The sooner you express your desire to get to know her (and form a relationship of some sort), the quicker you’ll find out the answers to your questions. Is she cool to everyone, or does she have a particular interest in you? Do you two have as much in common as you think? Is it necessary to pay for concert tickets, when you could just be “on the list”? All of these things will sort themselves out, shortly after you express a clear interest in her. So, take the plunge, and prepare for the answers (and consequences) to come.

The other reason I suggest expressing yourself sooner rather than later, is because that gives you the opportunity to separate/distance yourself (for better or worse) from all the other fans that come to her shows just to hear the music. Sure you go for the music, but you’d prefer a “private” concert. Cut to the chase, and let her know where you’re coming from. Now, please, please, please, please, please, don’t be a stalker. Seriously, please don’t be a stalker! 

P.S. - You should talk to celebrities like regular people. They are human, and if they’re a decent person, they’ll appreciate you being normal/real with them. Trust me on that.